[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁