[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Imma just leave this here…………
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Yup!
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.