Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!