Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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it was love at first sight
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
brian had himself a morning…
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up