Strangers have the best candy.
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Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket