I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
🤣dope
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family