My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I’ve been learning to cook.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.