Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Hot hot hot 🥵
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*