Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.