R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
giddy up Office Depot
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.