This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Stop.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.