I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae