Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person