if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
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My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident