[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian