After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.