Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?