[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
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Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.