“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids