You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
How to draw a duck
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.