[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
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To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Aight bet
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.