Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The two types of wives
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
peeping toms
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face: