Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
they really do be looking like this
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Happy thanksgiving
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting