My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
We avoided this particular disaster
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.