me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
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[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa