Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
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Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.