I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You Might Also Like
🍛
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.