For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids