why would tinder want me to say this
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.