Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes