I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
You Might Also Like
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*