Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Banana is the quietest snack
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
They’re not wrong
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.