i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
why am I working on Labor Day
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
That’s not how days work.