Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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Milk Cube
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
the last thing a carrot sees
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”