first you must answer his riddles
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I’m giving up for Lent.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Coffee is ready.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.