[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
rich people when they have to pay taxes
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…