Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Anime is real
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.