While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.