*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
You Might Also Like
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Hot hot hot 🥵
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Lmao
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I would give up shouting at trees for you.