when you don’t want to be too vague
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me and who
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.