Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
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At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I bet
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.