Alternate reality. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That鈥檚 just peanut butter m&m鈥檚 and some ibuprofen.
Me: It鈥檚 homemade.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Everyone鈥檚 gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
All I鈥檓 saying is that just once it鈥檇 be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Gemma Correll
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?馃
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let鈥檚 take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese鈥檚 for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
me: it鈥檚 tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don鈥檛 work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
When I laugh on my period
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Doctor: you鈥檝e got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird