My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Fidel Castro was alive?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn