If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”