The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET