Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.