If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Cool shirt 🙂
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.