If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”