Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor