I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
A man of commitment.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.